Monday, December 06, 2010

Oh, the agony

My mama is spinning in her grave like a chicken on a spit, and Martha Stewart is clutching her chest, moaning, “This could be the Big One!”

Before I launch into this story, I should preface it with this: there is no “right” color of Christmas lights. I know that, in my head at least.

However, in the South, if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, and that’s how it was at our house when I was growing up. My mother, may she rest in peace, had dozens upon dozens of “rules” that she applied to life. I had no idea just how many rules she had (and that she had inculcated in me) until I got married to a perfectly nice perfect stranger to my family’s ways and traditions.

Some examples? Sheets aren’t on a bed properly unless you have neat little hospital corners. A present isn’t properly wrapped unless you can’t detect a smidge of tape (that one alone nearly sent me to therapy.) Don’t use the same utensil in the jelly jar that you just used in the peanut butter jar. Don’t get crumbs in the jelly. Never wear plaids and stripes at the same time.

There are also strict rules about which way the toilet paper goes on the roll, and how you fold a napkin, as well as a whole canon on the proper way to handle thank you notes. But if you think those were a lot of rules to learn, Christmas outstripped them all. Yep, you could fill an entire set of encyclopedias just on Mama’s Rules About Christmas.

The one absolute immutable law, though, dealt with lights. Christmas lights were to be dainty and small and, well, white. Preferably NOT blinking, but she could take the blinking as long as they were white.

The way she taught this law was simple. From the earliest age I can remember, if I ever admired multi-colored lights as we were driving by someone’s Griswoldville, she’d tutt her tongue and hiss, “Looks just like a jook-joint.”

For those of you not from my neck of the woods, a jook-joint is slang for beer joint, and the worst sort, the kind that the bartender might have to break up three fights in one evening alone.

Fast forward to now. The Kiddo and The Husband had long planned to string Christmas lights along our front fence. It never occurred to me to tell them to get white lights. I just sort of, er, assumed that they knew that. I mean, The Husband has been married to me for how many years? Yes, 20. And never a colored light has been lit on our hill.

But what do we have on our fence? Rainbow hues of lights. Brilliant, garish lights – that, gasp, blink. Yes, my Mama is spinning in her grave. But she was a mama, too, so here’s hoping she can understand that I had nothing to do with it.

61 comments:

Jen said...

That was too funny! It's funny the "rules" you realize were instilled in you without your knowledge.

I'm sure your mom knows you didn't have a hand in the colored lights. And I'm sure if she could see them, she'd think them festive and not jook-jointish ;)

~Jen

Linda G. said...

LOL! Was Mama perhaps a little anal-retentive? ;) (Though I have to admit I agree with her about the peanut butter and jelly.)

Enjoy your colored lights! And make up your own rules. :)

TAWNA FENSKE said...

One of my best girlfriends has a funny story about her first Christmas with her husband. She grew up stringing trees with garland, and he grew up with tinsel. Somehow this erupted into a knock-down, drag-out fight over which of those two things was preferable. The pinnacle came when my friend screamed, "cats choke on tinsel, you know!" and he stared at her for a few beats before retorting, "we don't HAVE a cat -- you're allergic to them."

Tawna

Crystal Posey said...

White and not blinking? I. Love. Your. Mama! For me, if they must blink it needs to be a nice fade, and flow so that some are always on. That's as close to blinking as I'm gonna get.

Patty Blount said...

White vs. colored-lights...

Ah, the holidays. Nothing like a few family traditions to bring out the fight in a couple, right?

In our house, it was the tree topper.

When I was little, we had a beautiful star on top of the tree. I was oldest, so I always got lifted up to put it in place.

My husband's family always used this lame-ass Point. That's what they called it. A Point. It's a nondescript ornament that comes to a point on top.

When we got married, our first Christmas was spent arguing in the tree topper aisle of the home store. "This." "No! This!"

Finally, we compromised and bought an angel.

Twenty-five years later, she's still on top of the tree but no longer lights up.

Jessica Lemmon said...

I think I have a rule about lights too now that you mention it. When the hubs and I first got married, he suggested blue lights. BLUE. So for a few years we had boring, not bright BLUE Christmas lights on our sorry little Charle Brown tree. Now, I have multi-colored lights - FROOT LOOP colored - just the way I like 'em!

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Unknown said...

Gotta love the sound of a 'jook-joint'! My mate's thinking of opening up a pub here in Singapore, and I'm seriously considering suggesting he re-name it!

Unknown said...

Gotta love the sound of a 'jook-joint'! My mate's thinking of opening up a pub here in Singapore, and I'm seriously considering suggesting he re-name it!

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Kappu said...

HHHHAHAhaha!! for a minute I thought you were speaking about MY mama!!Z ;)

wink!

Moms are just wired to be so! JUST perfectly ;) I read a new word here jook-joint, so thanks!

AND MAN, SUCH A LOVELY POST!

I had a pathetic day today and it was GREAT to read it :) Thanks heaps!

kappu

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Mikel Merisier Blog said...

I think I have a rule for the light too now that you mention it. When the center and the first time I get married, he suggested that blue light. Blue. So in the past few years we have boring, not bright blue Christmas lights in our excuse me small Charlie brown tree. Now, I have many color lamp - wheat ring colors - like I like them!

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